Of The Calm

I know I haven't posted anything and it's not because I've forgotten about the blog. It's just life is so...calm. It's very strange and everything seems very static.

I've joined the rugby team. My body hurts everyday. My coach is probably the most interesting person I will ever meet.

I've joined the Black Student Union which I love. It's totally different than I thought it was going to be. What I love most about is how people of different races come in and contribute to the discussion. What I've really learned is everyone gets discriminated against and to some degree is a miniority. It's the way of human nature to put down in order to rise up. What makes people different is simply the history of their discrimination and that's where we get into all the mess. Good shit.

I really don't feel hard pressed to make friends because I've already got a core group of friends through my floor mates. We basically do everything together which is fine with me. They're cool people and sometimes they piss me off because it seems they don't recognize the words "privacy" and "solidarity".

Justin and I are finally somewhat okay with the long distance thing. We've finally reach the calm in the relationship where we realize we have our seperate lives now and that things won't ever be like the summer again. We're both trying hard to match up our schedules and trying to be understanding when the other person simply doesn't have time to talk. For the past week our relationship has been based off of texting and missed Skype messsages. It's kind of sad because ever since we have that fight I've been missing him more than usual and that around the same time he got busier. I think there is a reason for that but I'll tell that to you guys later.

Oh and I even found a pseduo pyschologist to help me with Justin issues. It's this dude and it seems like everytime I talk to him I end up venting about Justin (not in a bad way more like OMFG I MISS HIM AND I LOVE HIM etc etc...) and he always calms me down. He is the guru of long distance relationships.

Other than that things are pretty good. It's...unnerving almost.

Of Vassar

I'm in love with Vassar and Vassar loves me. :D I was deathly afraid I would hate it here and I would be stuck in a desolate environment thousands of miles away from home, but that's not the case here. I see this place easily becoming my home. Although most of the students are free thinking guitar playing granola crunching liberals, if you're not like them it really doesn't matter. Everyone is competely accepting and nobody really gives of fuck how others dress foreel which is really refreshing. I could totally see myself bumming the entire year and no one would care. Academically, people really don't seem competive and are welling to help each other. This girl and I have already decieded we're going to help each other get through our sociology class because it's so reading intensive.

I've become really good friends with the girls on my floor. Even though we're all competely different from each other, we have no trouble finding things to talk about.

It's really free here, too. The adminsration competely trust the students. Like we have a club on campus which is a circus troop that regularly works with fire. The troop is competely student run and they don't really get checked up on by the admins. Also, you can room with the opposite sex in several of the dorms and you can guest of the opposite gender stay over for a few days without any opposition. When they advertise that they try to give students as much freedom as possible they really do. It's like the only college that doesn't bullshit what they're saying.

I'm so glad I chose to go here. I don't think I'll be transfering,

Of The Departed/Departing

So it's just finally hit me that the relationships I now have will never be the same.

In this day alone two of the most important people in my life are leaving for college. The moment I saw them leave I realized the current state of our relationships will cease to exist the minute they enter their cars to go away for school. I don't know how I feel right now about it. It's like a punch in the stomach: quick and swift with the pain expanding outwards until it reaches the outskirts of your insides and returns back to the place of impact. It's very shocking and it hurts and you don't know whether to keel over or just stand back up.

Maybe I'm just being me and freaking out. We all know I'm famous for my freak out, but I must admit I think this may be more than me freaking out. Meh, we will see.

In any event, I bet you could tell I just came from seeing Justin. As much as I complained about the boy I love him, he loves me, and he was great to me. He helped me in a way no one else could. I'm greatful to him for that. Whether we stay together is another matter entirley, but I'm glad to have had him even if it was only for 3 months ( I count May too because even though we weren't going out we got really close). I'm already missing the kid and we've only been seperated for 16 minutes. Golly, I love him. It hurts. I want him with me.

So as Ket, Kristen, and I watched True Blood today I realized I wouldn't be seeing the last 3 episodes with them. It seems that that realization was a catalyst for all kinds of thoughts like how I don't want to make new friends when I have the best ones here. Or how I don't want to struggle to have a long distance relationship when I've been just grand with my boiyfriend being right here with me. Or how on my first night away I will be completely and utterly alone in the world. Or how I'm very scared of loosing everyone. Or the fact that the cosmos and the universe are laughing at me right now and saying "Hey you're the one who wanted to leave so badly all these years. You are getting excatly what you asked for". Or that Nida is leaving on Wednesday.

Man, I need to calm the fuck down. I sound like I'm in a Sarah Dessen novel.

Have you noticed that we define ourselves by our relationships? I really understood today that you all from 6th grade on have made me who I am.

Well anyway to the departed and to the departing: mucho love and see you guys in October.

Of The Boyfriend

You've all been waiting for it and I'm sorry I took so long. It was insensitive of me.

So my life consists of basically one person right now and you all know who he is. If we're not together we're talking on the phone. If we're not on the phone we're on Skype. If we're not on Skype we're together and so the cycle continues. Knowing who I've been in the past, you'd probably expect me to bitch and moan about how much time dude and I are spending together, but I'm not. I sincerely enjoy spending time with him to the point where if we're not communicating I'm wondering what he is doing at that time. I don't know how I feel about him (severe like or love) or what's going to happen when we're all out of the Brook, but I want to enjoy the time we have. This sounds so sappy, but I hate when people count down the days until we all leave because it just reminds me I have to leave him.

Gee wiz.

But my relationship with him has a had some negative results. Let's count the ways:
1. My family pretty much hates me...inculding my brother. I kind of betrayed his trust yesturday so he's not speaking to me. My dad is jealous that I have another man in my life who takes care of me.
2. I've been neglecting you guys. I'm sorry for that.
3. I'm dreading leaving for Vassar.
4. I've become dependent on someone else for happiness.

Despite all this, I don't see myself breaking up with him...I don't know. We'll see how it all goes.