So it's just finally hit me that the relationships I now have will never be the same.
In this day alone two of the most important people in my life are leaving for college. The moment I saw them leave I realized the current state of our relationships will cease to exist the minute they enter their cars to go away for school. I don't know how I feel right now about it. It's like a punch in the stomach: quick and swift with the pain expanding outwards until it reaches the outskirts of your insides and returns back to the place of impact. It's very shocking and it hurts and you don't know whether to keel over or just stand back up.
Maybe I'm just being me and freaking out. We all know I'm famous for my freak out, but I must admit I think this may be more than me freaking out. Meh, we will see.
In any event, I bet you could tell I just came from seeing Justin. As much as I complained about the boy I love him, he loves me, and he was great to me. He helped me in a way no one else could. I'm greatful to him for that. Whether we stay together is another matter entirley, but I'm glad to have had him even if it was only for 3 months ( I count May too because even though we weren't going out we got really close). I'm already missing the kid and we've only been seperated for 16 minutes. Golly, I love him. It hurts. I want him with me.
So as Ket, Kristen, and I watched True Blood today I realized I wouldn't be seeing the last 3 episodes with them. It seems that that realization was a catalyst for all kinds of thoughts like how I don't want to make new friends when I have the best ones here. Or how I don't want to struggle to have a long distance relationship when I've been just grand with my boiyfriend being right here with me. Or how on my first night away I will be completely and utterly alone in the world. Or how I'm very scared of loosing everyone. Or the fact that the cosmos and the universe are laughing at me right now and saying "Hey you're the one who wanted to leave so badly all these years. You are getting excatly what you asked for". Or that Nida is leaving on Wednesday.
Man, I need to calm the fuck down. I sound like I'm in a Sarah Dessen novel.
Have you noticed that we define ourselves by our relationships? I really understood today that you all from 6th grade on have made me who I am.
Well anyway to the departed and to the departing: mucho love and see you guys in October.
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Don't worry, I'll be your friend for as long as you want me! Our friendship will not amount to nothing! Although we will be thousands of miles apart, the unspoken connection we have will never be broken.
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